No smooth skin,
No height,
No abs, no shoulders, no chest, no arms,
No sharp features,
No looks.

Get blocked and people ignore all the time,
Wondering will i ever break out and get to where i see all the guys are?..

I'm depressed as fucked and people are just annoying the shit out of me.
Unless i get permission to bitch slap all those annoying shits out there, I'm just gonna hide in my hole and pray i die.

The moment you think you found the perfect guy..
Smart, good looking, caring..
Everything a guy like me could ever ask for..

Then you come down of your fantasy world..
And find the bitter reality waiting to consume you.

"Don't tell me you are going to come to me crying again?"
Exact words my sister told me when I told her about this really awesome guy i've met..

Just this time i guess if i did, i wouldn't cry to her for the reason i did with penguin,
for the sole reason of falling for an impossible..
Wipe back the tears, hug my shark and start wishing i'll be alright again soon..

Going on dates just made me realize how fucked up my life is..
My heart is neither here nor there and a big part of it is still chained to you...

I hate this feeling so much.. =(
After everything i'm still thinking of you..

I'm going out for NSA more.. =(

43

The moment you realize you literally gave up on love..
Been chatting with this guy for some time now.
There is a chemistry.. well at least i feel there is..

But...
Ish.. i feel like i'm wasting my time.
I'm just in for another heart break.

Might as well stop now.

Heart..
Don't do your stupid things again..
Die.

42

"He is a jerk."

And i'm stupid.

41

Yup, its a trend. Each person I talk to goes "hey, i'm busy". or doesn't reply at all.
If you say its just a coincidence, then i should really go buy a lottery ticket.

Even this guy that I invited him out twice also pulled out last min saying "sorry, i'm busy".
Fuck this.

40

He turned his back away from me when he saw me walking by..
A cold chill could be felt when he glared at me before looking away.
I knew at the moment he knows I still liked him.
I gathered all my courage,

"Hey B, its been a while! =D", I put on a smile, not wanting to appear scared. He faced me.

"Hey, sorry, I need to go, bye", i could feel the coldness in his voice, the hatred he felt towards me, a spike through my heart.. He turned around and began walking away.

"B.. please..", i grabbed his arm..

"You are so pathetic!! Fuck off and leave alone!". When i heard it i was reduced to tears, with streams following down the middle of my eyes..

"B!! PLEASE! Don't do this to me..", he shoved my arm away. "Why are you so pathetic Leo??".

"You. You made me this way.. You were the one to lead me believe you were always going be there for me. You lead me believe that you were my prince. You lead me to believe that we had something.. you, you, you, you, You!", i couldn't control my tears, i was breathing heavily..

"You really are pathetic.." He said to me, and walked away..

"Please......"

And i woke up, heart beating fast..
'Its just a dream... thank god..'
I hugged shark... and went back to sleep...

Everyday when i see people, big smile on my face.
Always cheerful..

Fuck this..

Just fuck everything now..
Thought occupying myself with work would help, working more then 26 hours a week but it doesn't..
I get home, on my comp and turn to the depressed fuck i am.

Such a hypocrite, telling everyone finding someone isn't your main priority in this stage of life.
I know i am right but still..
Deep down inside i am really wishing for something to happen..

No idea what i am doing these few days..

Seeing him online i always have this stupid mindset that he would talk to me.
Stupid dumb fuck mindset.
Oh wait, he did. He sent a tumbleweed on skype, and never replied.
I bet it was like "oh! leonut is on, might as well play with him".
As everyone does.

I'm tired of putting up a wall of happiness..
I'm tired of wishing for something to happen..
Why can't i just be happy with where i am now?...

Everyday i curl up in my bed, hugging shark tightly telling myself tomorrow would be better..
But it never is..

I want to run away from everything and everyone..
Just to a grassy field and just lie there.. just for a day...
I don't even want to dance anymore....

 

37

Been a while since i needed to post here..

So i added penguin back on facebook.
No point holding grudges over love right?
Been already 7 months since i last talked to him already..

I don't know what i'm feeling..
Previously i was crushing on this guy i met through my blog.. He was really nice, good looking and a malaysian here in melbourne too. Talking to him everyday, i genuinely started to fall for him. Each time i wanted to go meet up with him failed though, he always seemed to be busy. One day talking to him he jokingly said "Fallen for me already ah?". I know its a joke and all but it genuinely made me feel so stupid, like i was some desperate guy. I have no reason to be desperate.. That day i deleted my jack'd and grindr..

After that my relationship with him just plummeted.. I didn't feel the connection i had the day before anymore, everything just disappeared.. For once in a long time i felt free. I didn't have anyone constantly in my mind anymore, i was crush'less and happy.

Few days later i added penguin back and the day after i found myself scribbling and doodling his name on my notes..

Nicole once asked me "If penguin wanted you back, would you say yes?"
That moment i told her a firm "no, never."
but now...

Sign..

Is it stupid to be wanting him back when it would never happen?..
Penguin... I miss you.. :(

36

To the point you are so confuse..
You just break down..
I seriously don't know whats wrong with me..
I don't know what have been bugging me,
I just feel so pressured.. Like there is a heavy weight on my chest and shoulders..

I thought it was my exams but now exams are over..
I just feel worst..

Here i am sitting infront of the comp, feeling like crap and the urge to cry is just growing..
I don't like what being so far from home is making me but i really need to find a way to deal with this before it kills me inside out..

I need someone to talk to..
A hug.. :(

36

Is it possible to be liking 3 people at once?..
To have the same heart feeling when i see their pictures or skype them..

I need to straighten myself up... :((((((

34

I am just so confuse..
I dont understand anything and everything..
I just feel so dumb..

Just sat in front of my computer and just cried my eyes out..
I just don't know what to do...

I dont know what i want..
I need someone to help me...

33

Is it stupid?. That i find myself still tearing up once in a while even though it had been almost 2 months... was it?.. I dont know anymore..
I dont understand my feelings.. I dont know if i am over him or not.. I still miss him sometimes.. :(

Who ever thought, the day I met you in gym area of dance club.. You would be the one that hurt me the most...

30

I told myself that i am okay..
I am okay..
But..
Memories that i dread so much just comes back..

The memory of your reaching back and hugging me while i stood back to back with you when withdrew money just flashed into my mind today when i went out with kayson..

When you told me you werent feeling well and that you wished i was with you..

When we played with each other's hands in the crowded lift..

When you told me you loved me and miss me..

I dread that i cant maintain a thinking prospective.. Kayson gave me a pep talk that really made me feel okay and happy again.. But now it seems that im just drifting back to depression slowly.. Stupid as i am, i miss you again..

Toke a nap today because i felt sick.. Woke up with a splitting headache that is still pounding my head.. Found out that the plant that i has been taking care of just went missing which just makes me.. hate today..

I really want to be happy again..
I really want to..

30

GAH!!! MY HEART FEELS DEAD!!!!
IM CRYING AND DYING INSIDE!!

Its just one guy.. how the hell does he hold my heart so tightly??

28

Ish.. I need time to gather myself..
I'm failing apart in the most pathetic matter..
Its depressing to see what im becoming or rather what i've become in the past month..

I dont like it here..
Its awfully quite and lonely..

I hate myself a lot these few days.. :(

26

How long was it till i updated this blog..
Never had a reason to..

Lately i just feel so dead inside..
Sleeping as early as possible..
Trying to avoid the truths of life..

Suddenly broke down again..
Watched the tears drip down my chin onto my shirt..
I dont know what im feeling..
It just sucks..

I need a hug..
I miss getting hugs from friends back in malaysia..
They gave the warmest hugs..
Now all i have is to comfort myself with lies..

Crying to myself again..
I want someone to talk to again..
This just sucks..
alot..