WHY??

No.. i cant..
I cant bring myself to commit again..
At least not so soon..
The last person that i let my guard down to broke me..
The cracks are still visible, im still broken..

Everyone is just moving so fast..
Everyone gets over their break ups so easily..
Everyone is dating again..
He was my first..
I really loved him.. So much more then he did to me..
Im still torn apart from reality.. From what has happened..
In my mind he loved me..
In my mind i wasnt a fling..
In my mind, he is still an angel.. after so long.. i still love him..
I long for his attention..
I dont think i'm ever in his mind anymore..

Yes i know..
I am so immature.
I cant face facts..
Im useless..
I should just move on with my life..

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My friend.. Its not that i dont like you.. You are one of my closest friends..
I dont want to ruin that..
Im leaving soon..
I dont want a long distance relationship..

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Just now, R messaged me..
After he toke KL away.. after he has hurt me so much..
He needed help.. His grandmother passed away and his exams are tomorrow..
Everyone just told me to give your condolence and let him be..
I still did my best to help him..
I called my sister in aussie to ask her about the procedures to defer a paper just so i can help him..
My friends called me stupid..
For letting him make use of me..

Just saw he posted "So blessed to have you in my life"
If you are so blessed KL is in your life, why cant you bloody look for him when you are in trouble and not me??
Just bringing up memories that kills me...
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I am just so frustrated with myself..
I really dont know what to do..
I dont know what im feeling.
Im just so confused with what im doing..
Why the hell do i feel like this?..
I feel like crying to someone..
I want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay..
That everything will pass..
That i will be happy again..
I cry alone everyday..
Im getting worst by the day..
I know im suppose to occupy myself but i cant bring myself to..
Im lingering in the ashes that i was left in..
Waiting for my next step..

I want to slap myself so hard..
I hate my life now..
For the direction its taking me..
For the emotional rollercoster im facing..

Its 3am.. My eyes hurt.. my cheeks wet.. Body fatigue..
What am i waiting for?..
For KL to come back?..
I know he isnt..
He will never..
But my heart..

What am i waiting for?..
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What am i waiting for?..
WHY?? WHY???