Everyday when i see people, big smile on my face.
Always cheerful..

Fuck this..

Just fuck everything now..
Thought occupying myself with work would help, working more then 26 hours a week but it doesn't..
I get home, on my comp and turn to the depressed fuck i am.

Such a hypocrite, telling everyone finding someone isn't your main priority in this stage of life.
I know i am right but still..
Deep down inside i am really wishing for something to happen..

No idea what i am doing these few days..

Seeing him online i always have this stupid mindset that he would talk to me.
Stupid dumb fuck mindset.
Oh wait, he did. He sent a tumbleweed on skype, and never replied.
I bet it was like "oh! leonut is on, might as well play with him".
As everyone does.

I'm tired of putting up a wall of happiness..
I'm tired of wishing for something to happen..
Why can't i just be happy with where i am now?...

Everyday i curl up in my bed, hugging shark tightly telling myself tomorrow would be better..
But it never is..

I want to run away from everything and everyone..
Just to a grassy field and just lie there.. just for a day...
I don't even want to dance anymore....

 

37

Been a while since i needed to post here..

So i added penguin back on facebook.
No point holding grudges over love right?
Been already 7 months since i last talked to him already..

I don't know what i'm feeling..
Previously i was crushing on this guy i met through my blog.. He was really nice, good looking and a malaysian here in melbourne too. Talking to him everyday, i genuinely started to fall for him. Each time i wanted to go meet up with him failed though, he always seemed to be busy. One day talking to him he jokingly said "Fallen for me already ah?". I know its a joke and all but it genuinely made me feel so stupid, like i was some desperate guy. I have no reason to be desperate.. That day i deleted my jack'd and grindr..

After that my relationship with him just plummeted.. I didn't feel the connection i had the day before anymore, everything just disappeared.. For once in a long time i felt free. I didn't have anyone constantly in my mind anymore, i was crush'less and happy.

Few days later i added penguin back and the day after i found myself scribbling and doodling his name on my notes..

Nicole once asked me "If penguin wanted you back, would you say yes?"
That moment i told her a firm "no, never."
but now...

Sign..

Is it stupid to be wanting him back when it would never happen?..
Penguin... I miss you.. :(