8

I feel so fucked up..
i keep giving all my heart to someone that i dont even properly know..
I made a bookmark for him..
Then i realize no one really appreciates things i handmake for them..
Always..
I made a book mark for my first crush.. He accepted it happily.. Then something happened.. I dont even know if he kept it..
I made a lot of stuff for people i cared about..
For KL i spent an hour wrapping his gift with paper.. He asked me to keep it for him incase his parents saw the warping cause i signed it "Love, Ck"...
The day before we broke up, he toke it back.. Dunno where it is now..

Now i made a feather book mark for B.. Just needs a ribbon that im going to buy tomorrow.. Made from clay and wires..  Sorry my webcam sucks..

What the hell am i doing with my life.. Why... why... =((

7

When you are short,
You center of gravity is lower,
Making you more stable,
More steady..

Fuck wei..
Lies!!
I jatuh damn easily..

Few weeks ago, i went out with a friend..
I jatuh..
for him..

I wake up thinking about him..
I go to sleep wondering how his day was..

It was really confusing la..
He gave so many signals that i dont really understand..
He told me he misses me once..
He told me he wishes i was there with him for christmas,
He told me "I luv you la"
He told me "i lyke you alot, seriously, but i cant do anything about it"

We smsed each other for a while..
It was "i like you"
Then my reply "I like you too"
Replies was , I like you three",
Then it went on.. Till fourteen.. lol.. I like you fourteen.

Ah well.. It stopped now..
Someone told me i shouldnt be so easily. Wait for him to sms me.
Its been 2 days now since i talked to him.. God..

Where is my heart taking me?
I got 42 more days in malaysia before i leave.. =(

I like you fifteen..

6

Been staying away from things that reminded me of him..
I put away the pencil he gave.. I occupy myself..

Then today.. I drove pass a play ground.. The playground that we both sat for 2 hours talking about his problems.. That was the time we really connected.. Or so what i thought..

All the memories just came back.. And im depressed again..

I still miss him i guess..
but not as much as i used to..
I know he will not want anything to do with me..
Im last month's news...

Not even in his memories i guess...

Fuck it..
Fuck my brain for recalling everything..
Fuck my life... =((

5.

I wasnt okay as i thought i was after all.. Seeing you online after so long... it hurts...
It really hurts..

4

What do you do when you see someone posting messages for your ex?...
Everyday i see messages such as:

"Let me guard it. Your heart."
"Let me be the one... The one that endures the pain, the one that understands you best, the one that love you, unconditionally."
"Without your reply I just can't sleep well... :("

I just bloody hurts to see all these messages...
I cant do anything about it..
I need to control my emotions more.. :(((


I havent talked to him in almost 2 weeks already...
I dunno if the feeling im having now is missing him or what...
Just all mixed emotions again.. :((

3..

Do i want him back?.. Im really really not sure..
My heart and mind are in conflict.,.

Seeing him post about his korea trip everyday on twitter is killing me..
I unfollowed him..
First step..

Soon i'll be free again...
Soon..

WHY??

No.. i cant..
I cant bring myself to commit again..
At least not so soon..
The last person that i let my guard down to broke me..
The cracks are still visible, im still broken..

Everyone is just moving so fast..
Everyone gets over their break ups so easily..
Everyone is dating again..
He was my first..
I really loved him.. So much more then he did to me..
Im still torn apart from reality.. From what has happened..
In my mind he loved me..
In my mind i wasnt a fling..
In my mind, he is still an angel.. after so long.. i still love him..
I long for his attention..
I dont think i'm ever in his mind anymore..

Yes i know..
I am so immature.
I cant face facts..
Im useless..
I should just move on with my life..

_____________________________________________________

My friend.. Its not that i dont like you.. You are one of my closest friends..
I dont want to ruin that..
Im leaving soon..
I dont want a long distance relationship..

______________________________________________________

Just now, R messaged me..
After he toke KL away.. after he has hurt me so much..
He needed help.. His grandmother passed away and his exams are tomorrow..
Everyone just told me to give your condolence and let him be..
I still did my best to help him..
I called my sister in aussie to ask her about the procedures to defer a paper just so i can help him..
My friends called me stupid..
For letting him make use of me..

Just saw he posted "So blessed to have you in my life"
If you are so blessed KL is in your life, why cant you bloody look for him when you are in trouble and not me??
Just bringing up memories that kills me...
_______________________________________________________

I am just so frustrated with myself..
I really dont know what to do..
I dont know what im feeling.
Im just so confused with what im doing..
Why the hell do i feel like this?..
I feel like crying to someone..
I want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay..
That everything will pass..
That i will be happy again..
I cry alone everyday..
Im getting worst by the day..
I know im suppose to occupy myself but i cant bring myself to..
Im lingering in the ashes that i was left in..
Waiting for my next step..

I want to slap myself so hard..
I hate my life now..
For the direction its taking me..
For the emotional rollercoster im facing..

Its 3am.. My eyes hurt.. my cheeks wet.. Body fatigue..
What am i waiting for?..
For KL to come back?..
I know he isnt..
He will never..
But my heart..

What am i waiting for?..
_________________________________________________

What am i waiting for?..
WHY?? WHY???